The pain. It hurts ㅠ.ㅠ

I. Am. In. Love.

Even I don't know shit about hockey, my friend convinced me to sign-up for Yahoo's fantasy hockey league and make a team. It took me forever to pick out players... but... here's hoping. Other than hockey, nothing much is new. Dropped out of a class, seeing a counsellor in secret (re: my family doesn't know about it), and trying to find a job. I really want to leave. This house, this city, this country.

Even if it's just for a few months. I'll see what it's like in Pusan/Seoul. And gain life experience.

So tired. I feel like I'm going to crack under the pressure.
I can't seem to make much of an impression with the teachers.
I don't fit in with anyone at school.

I feel like I'm back in high school with all the classes I've been skipping. _{damn it}

Tomorrow is my Oma and Opa's birthday. Same day, different year.
I got my Oma a "Zen Gardening for Dummies" book, and my Opa a really neat hand-made sculpture by a local artist he's been admiring. I also got them a combined gift of an expensive home garden consultation. Aaand, both my mother and myself are taking the day off from work/school. We're leaving in the morning so I can hand-in an assignment at school, then we're picking up a cake and a few extra goodies, and sometime my Oma and Opa's friends will drop in. They drove down from Edmonton and arrived on the island a few hours ago but their visit will be a surprise for my Opa.

I think we're having a BBQ? Or something? I know for sure they're making nasi or a... pig roast for supper.

Last Friday we had a test in Chinese.
Yesterday I handed in my first unit assignment in Geo.
Today I handed in my first assignment in Religion.
Tomorrow I hand in my first assignment in Playwriting.

21 Questions on our character.
We're supposed to hand in the first draft of our first 10min play on Oct. 10th.
Which isn't too far away. Also, our project proposals are due in Religion and Geo on the same day - Oct. 10th. It's hectic, but not hiatus inducing. I was actually considering picking up a HP character at a new game I saw advertised. I don't know. I think I need to focus all creative energy on figuring out how the fuck I'm going to write a 10min play.


Somehow, I will make my Drag Queen interact with a Buddhist Monk.

One week down. Just thinking about writing an entry gives me a headache.

( School )

I received the second and final half of my student loan for this semester. I went on a spending spree and bought some much needed clothes, food, and house stuff.

Turns out my Oma and Opa's friends are able to make it for their birthday. They were initially unsure, because the friends were having some health issues, but apparently they're able to drive across provinces. We're going to have a full house xD

I still have no idea what to get them for their birthday.

I'm excited to be playing at ressource, and things are starting to pick up again at alterna_rpg. So... I can honestly say life is going well. I even got a new hair cut.

-- I'm having a hard time keeping my patience in check when it comes to my grandfather. His medication is really fucking with his personality.
-- Cleaned out a backpack I was using 5 months ago (before my messenger bag). Apparently I left a sandwich in there. It was all moldy and liquefying - super gross.
-- Went grocery shopping and stocked-up on juice boxes.
-- Night class tomorrow, woo! Religion!

Aside from being a Spiritual Leader, I should pursue a career in either being a Marketing Executive or Chef, only by "Chef" - we mean Baker.

Baker, because I wouldn't want to steal my Uncle's thunder. That, and I've always liked baking way more than culinary arts. There are only two schools in B.C. that offer Professional Baking and an apprenticeship program with a Red Seal examination. I'm at a loss as to what to do.

I could finish my two year diploma, and aim to work with international businesses.
Or I could easily get into the trades and potentially work with my Uncle in the future.
Or I could get a degree in Creative Writing and combine it with my current program.
... Somehow. That requires being confident in my writing skills, which at the moment don't exist.

My muses at alterna_rpg are slowly dying. And I'm in a complete rut over at appledcore, Momo is so clueless he's really at a loss as to what to do. He can make friends with anyone, but... there's always a 'but.'


On the subject of real life, the teacher that canceled the geography class I was interested in emailed me. He said he would offer the class online if more than one person wanted to register. I guess people besides me answered his email, because a few days later I got permission to register (apparently students need his approval to register). Now there's three of us! With seven more available seats!

My most expensive textbook is for religion - $120.25. Followed by a book for Geography - $115. And since 3/4 classes are new, there are no used textbooks. $341 total. Disgusting.

NyQuil... is nightmare inducing.


CROCODILE
To see a crocodile in your dream, forewarns of hidden danger. Someone near you is giving you bad advice and is trying to sway you into poor decisions. The crocodile may be an aspect of yourself and your aggressive and "snappy" attitude. Or maybe it reveals that you have displayed some false emotions and shedding "crocodile tears".

To dream that you are chased or bitten by a crocodile, denotes disappointments in love and in business.

And Teeth.

Created oak_lizard for fanfiction. Really, that's the only update.

It took me 4.5 hours to make that banner on the userprofile. The black part took the longest, since it was such a shitty scan I had to colour over the faded image. But in the end I think it turned out okay. The background image is a picture I took at Butchart gardens. I'm planning on using the scenery in the future story for 24hour_themes - a plot is brewing and I can't wait to get started.

Tomorrow morning I have an appointment at the college. I think I mentioned my inventory test results came back from Toronto, and tomorrow is the meeting to decipher it. I'm really excited to finally know which professions I'm suitable with. On the other hand, I'm worried that my answers were too erratic and the people marking the booklet will stamp me as "Crazy, and has no future!"

So I have a massive migraine. Since most headaches are caused by dehydration I drank nearly 4L of good ol' h2o, when that didn't work I drank 5 glasses of iced-tea thinking I needed sugar. When that didn't work, I drank a can of Coke thinking it was caffeine withdrawl. Not the case. I just tried drinking my tequila stash but... all it did was burn my esophagus and give me a stomach ache. And the pain isn't caused by lack of sleep - I slept most of the day away and was totally lazy for the rest of it.

I don't want to over-exert myself the day before the big BBQ. I'm really not looking forward to tomorrow.


Awhile ago I joined a Yahoo!group for genderqueers. But the moderators failed at being responsible. The message board, and consequently our inboxes, were littered with porn spam. A smart-thinkin' lady took it upon herself to start a new group (same mission statement). And I was made a moderator. Woo, I won't let the community down~!

Again, I was inspired to write fanfiction but... this pain... is a huge demotivator.
Life in general is a demotivator /bitterness.

Funny, I thought by being productive I was having fun. The appointment I had was a full hour, 11:30AM-12:30PM, and 5 hours later my legs are still burning. I had fun despite the pain. I also uninstalled Vista Office for Home and Students, and replaced it with XP's office. Someday I'll figure out how to work Outlook. "My HP Games" was uninstalled because I don't play any of the games, I mean, I did try playing "Lemonade Tycoon 2" but... I failed. Not saying I removed the programs because I suck, but... they were space wasters.


I need a new username.

Hurray, Momo was accepted over at appledcore. Other than that, nothing much else is new. Tomorrow I have an appointment with a personal trainer at the fitness center, I'm actually paying someone to create a workout routine and orientate me with the machines. I don't even know what people wear when they work out. I couldn't find any cheap work-out clothes (read: below $50) so all I have are flannel p.j. pants and an old rock shirt. I did buy new shoes.

I also bought a Photoshop magazine. Fuckin' robbery at how expensive it was, but... very useful.

Anyways... The End.

The roofers were here around 07:00AM. I'm so tired. And I know I'm sick with something because I can't keep any food in me. The lack of sleep and the constant... removal of food from my body has made me beyond irritable. And I really wanted to work ahead in my Chinese, but it seems whenever I get around to opening the book I get distracted by something shiny.

I'm getting attached to my Katou muse. I would really like to explore Belial further... I hope alterna_rpg hangs in there to see that happen. I'm also hoping naruto100 will be enough to curb my Naruto itch. I'm really wanting to avoid jumping into a game with a Naruto character because the whole fandom seems to be cursed, so we shall see what happens. I did manage to hunt down an interesting new game: appledcore and placed a reserve for the beloved Momo-chan-senpai. It was a toss between him and Kaidoh...

Anyways. This is a filler post with absolutely nothing important to say.
Oh, new moodtheme (it was a fucking BITCH to set up) by chochajin - Tenipuri.


(Momo+Yuuta=?!?! I never even thought of them before...)

NAME: In Death
CHALLENGE: Kitsune
BONUSES: kimono, sanguine, waterfall, smoke
GOLD STAR: bitch!kitsune
WORD COUNT: 204
WARNINGS: Character death

( One last play )

I don't really have anything to report or update on. I phoned the fitness center and made an appointment with a trainer, I'll get together with her next week and she'll create a program and help orientate me with the machines. I've had the membership card for, what, nearly a year? It's taken me this long to gather the courage and get into shape. Thing is: my Opa is also doing this. My appointment is for an hour, and his appointment is with with the same trainer right after my session. I know this doesn't mean anything, and it's taken quite a bit of pressure from all of us to get him this far so I'm happy for him... I also feel confident knowing the trainers are experienced with older clients.

But I don't want to be seen working out with my grandfather. And he's under the impression that we're going together. I'm worried that if I don't go with him then he won't go at all.

It's funny. I'm really inspired to write fanfic and try my hand at drawing again, yet I'm so horribly unmotivated.


... I miss roleplaying 2D (Gorillaz).

Another hour spent with the counselor. I don't know why. We didn't really talk about much, mainly reviewed CareerCruising and how to look at the results. She was mentioning that people have inborn talents and skills and sometimes we need other people to tell us what they are, because natural talents appear natural to the person so the skills would be dismissed whereas other people would actually notice.

It took a few minutes of thinking, but eventually I came up with something. When I was a kid, I used to write letters to my mother whenever we fought. I would write my feelings and thoughts about whatever happened. She always said that I could write my way out of Hell if I wanted to. And yet, my English grades mark me as a failure. I either purposefully failed my classes because I loathed the teacher, or my writing style was too different and the teacher didn't approve. Last semester I failed basic Intro. College English (grammar and punctuation) on the basis of having a different writing style/tone/voice than my teacher. When I apply for an English class they don't look at my skill, they look at the grade I received - no questions asked, no explanations given.

Anyways, my books from Amazon.ca arrived the other day.
My Gender Workbook by Kate Bornstein.

What is a man? What is a woman? How can we define 'men' and 'women' without insulting the majority population? That's what she asked. I don't know how to answer. My lack of answer made me feel more confident in myself, strangely enough.

I received an email from the college today. A class I signed up in, and was looking forward to, was canceled in the Fall. I spent three hours rearranging my schedule and picking out new classes... My timetable isn't too bad.


And I'm taking an ONLINE COURSE: GEOGRAPHY - Cultural Geo. Go me. The class that was canceled was Geography of Asia Pacific, and I had to take out my Contemporary China class. I can take Contemp. China with Modern China, but I can't take two Chinese classes at the same time. So, thinking of the upcoming Winter semester, I scrapped what I thought was best.

Tomorrow is my last shift at work. I'm going to miss all the free liquor promotions staff got. I'll survive, though. The college is looking to hire a Bookstore Clerk so I emailed them my resume.

There were 35 questions in total, answers ranging from 0 (no/never) to 3 (practically always or entirely). Part of the exercise is to log the questions, our answers, and explanations so the reader can "draw some general conclusions" about assertiveness in relation to general situations, personal attitudes, conflicting obstacles, and expressiveness/behavior skills.

Nearly half of my answers were either 0 or 3. I thought I'd focus on those ones instead of all 35.

( Onwards )


Anyways, I didn't do much today. I submitted a request for a volunteer application at AIDS Vancouver Island, received the application in an email and printed it off; and now I'm chilling. The roofers delivered all the new roofing material and are going to stop by again tomorrow to let us know when they'll start. They're really looking forward to working on our house. And by working, I mean enjoying their lunch breaks in the warm Autumn weather and overlook the ocean.

Either tomorrow or Friday I'll stop by the rec. center and pay a trainer to help me create a work-out plan and, quite possibly, introduce me to the fitness equipment. It's been a few years since I did weight training in High School. I didn't forget everything but it'd be nice to have a little refresher.

I spent a whole entire hour talking to the counselor today. What an eye-opening session. We talked about the transitioning process, and how I would need to see an actual psychiatrist in order to get the required documents for breast surgery and hormone therapy. She did, however, say that I could always drop into the college counseling area for support. That took about fifteen minutes. Then we talked about my family. Basically how I'm giving them power to rule over me, how I'm in a transition phase (gender and independence wise) and need to learn how to make my own decisions and stick by them.

Everyone was raised differently. My grandparents hear me talking about my different interests, how it'd be cool to work in different areas/professions, and they see that as being uncommitted (read: "You're always changing your mind!"). My Aunt says that I'm becoming a stick-in-the-mud like my mother, my mother doesn't see anything wrong with that. Because if I'm not a stick in the mud like my mother than I will be a 'wildchild' like my Aunt and Uncle. Which is worse. With my mother, things are either black or white, there is nothing in between.

The counselor told me people are born to be independent, and not to please family. I told her it's rather difficult to be independent. I've been telling my family that I want to be happy and I've been trying to branch away and find that happiness, but they all have their different opinions on what that is. My grandparents are preaching that I only need to act happy to be happy, and if I only acted, then it would make everyones lives easier. My mother... refuses to accept or acknowledge anything with her all-or-none mentality.

I was given a book to read, "Your Perfect Right" by Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons. The book is also known as 'the assertiveness bible' - I never thought I would read this kind of book. Sure, my bookshelves are full with self-help and spirituality texts, but I always considered myself to be assertive. I suppose I'm more passive-aggressive.

... I'm approaching this with an open mind.

I also took a Workplace and Interest Compatibility Test. It compares my interests, skills, and confidence, to those of successful people in their workplace. The test results don't just compare my skills to job qualifications. It cost me $10 and it'll take between 1-2 weeks to process, when on the street it would cost me at least a couple hundred (apparently).


Anyways, I went to CareerCruising and took the matchmaker quiz of 39 questions. Meh, it's interesting.

Top 10 Career Matchmaker Suggestions
Interest Rank

01.Writer
02.Critic
03.Translator
04.Market Research Analyst
05.Print Journalist
06.Desktop Publisher
07.Director of Photography
08.Special Effects Technician
09.Cartoonist
10.Tour Guide